I messed up lastnight after I wrote. After my healthy snack of 2 rice cakes with cottage cheese, I saw 2 homemade cookies left that my mom's friend made and mom brought last time she was here. I thought about not eating them for a split second but then stuffed one in my mouth. After eating that one, I ate the other. I kept thinking 1) I've already blown it & 2) if i eat it then it's out of the house and no longer an issue or temptation. Arghhhh.....
Felt like crap afterwards, like a complete loser, like an addict. Whenever I watch these shows about druggies and relapses I always wonder why they didn't take a moment to think about their life before they relapsed. Now I get it. I had the first cookie in my mouth within a split second after I saw it. I'm no different than a druggie. It made me sad, but taught me not to be so judgmental about others.
I did well today with food, even after a brutal night with the boys up several times. I only got about 2 hours sleep. Finally the baby napped for a couple hours so I did too and that helped.
I just took 2 lorazepam so I could actually sleep tonight and I'm praying it doesn't start a binge. I'm also worried about tomorrow night - we are having our department Christmas "piss-up" and I know I'm getting shit faced, there's just no doubt, especially after having both kids by myself for 5 days in a row while my husband was out of town working. I'm worried I'll pig out and not be able to stop...but I can only deal with that when it comes.
No workout today. I'm just so freakin' tired and sore I can hardly function. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because the more I force myself to work out, the more I will resent it and then stop altogether. I have been obsessive about exercise in the past and I don't want it to get that way again. I want to be reasonable about it. I'm trying to set a goal of 4 times a week. I think that's a good, non-obsessive amount for someone with 2 small kids.
Anyway, starting to get tired and I need to go to bed soon.
Weight: 158 lbs
Calories: 1369
Fat Grams: 24
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