Day 28

Well, day 22. I'm 157.5 lbs today. I haven't been going overboard dieting but I haven't gone on a binge, so to say, for a few days. So that's a good thing. I hated writing my last blog but because I wrote it out, I dealt with some important stuff and that's also a good thing. Sometimes unless you write out or say out loud what you feel, you don't clarify it really, and that can be a problem. I decided that my emotions are worth something and that it's ok to feel them. This will be a huge process for me as I'm not used to wanting to deal with my emotions.
I haven't worked out at all since my last post. But I'm not beating myself up about it. Today I went and bought a pedometer to measure my steps every day, because they say an active person typically does 10,000 steps/day. Because my husband was home for the weekend, I decided to take advantage tonight and suddenly got up and said, "I'm going for a short walk in the cold," and left him with the kids. It was fabulous! It was so still and so cold and quiet outside walking through my neighbourhood. I loved hearing nothing but the snow crunching beneath my feet as I walked. I didn't walk too fast, it was simply for enjoyment and to clear my head. I was only gone maybe 15 minutes, but it was enough to clear my mind, get some fresh (frigid) air into my lungs, and pretty much freeze the skin on my face! It was great! I cannot wait until Jamie is home for good from this out of town site, so that I can do that every night if I need to.

I am still reading the 2nd book by Valerie Bertinelli and I really liked something she said. It was about how little time we have in life, and how much food we have around us. Do we really want to spend that little time we have feeling like shit from all the food we eat?
My wise friend who has lost 122 pounds suggested something else to tell myself instead of "I can't have that..." She said to tell myself that I'm "choosing not to have it right now." It may change my mindset to understand that I have the power over the food, not the other way around. Good advice. She also recommended a book by Bob Harper (from Biggest Loser) called Are you Ready. So I put it on hold at the library and should hopefully be able to pick it up Tuesday!
I also had my husband bring in my little eliptical machine that has been sitting outside in the garage for 1.5 years. I can't wait to get on it tonight while I watch Desperate Housewives. My friend had a great idea last week about getting on her exercise bike and pedalling alone during the show, but then going nuts during the commercials. Great idea! I'm going to try that tonight on my eliptical...it will keep it interesting!

Day 22

Well, I'm not sure why I even put day 22 as a heading. I haven't even been really trying at all. I've been good during the days but then at night, as usual, the food calls to me and it's louder than the voice in my head telling me no.
I am sick of me. I fucking hate myself. I feel like I'm never going to get better. There are times when I'm on top of the world doing so well and I feel like it's worth me to write about it. Then there are times like these, more often than not, that I have messed up so bad. That's when I don't want to write. Because I'm not good, I'm not strong, I'm fucked up, I'm embarassed, I'm a god damn disgrace.
I started crying lastnight after watching Desperate Housewives because one of the storylines was about a woman losing a baby/miscarrying. It made me think of my 2 babies I lost. And it made me realize I don't grieve things properly. I either lose it and sink into depression and have to up my meds and almost end up in the psych hospital, or I stifle it away and pretend it didn't happen, or that it was meant to be.
I reached out lastnight on Facebook about how sad I was about losing my babies, which I have never talked about extensively in the past. I woke up to an email from my husband concerned about the personal info I'm sharing with people on Facebook. He does have a point, but it hurt me. I'm so fucking angry today. At so much. And I've eaten every fucking thing I could get my hands on tonight and now I feel sick to my stomach.
So I start watching intervention and the drug addict is screaming at her family asking them to help her and it killed me. It made me realize why I watch these shows and watch the news and torture myself. Because I stifle my own pain so well that I have to feel other people's pain just to get it out. It's like my own pain isn't worthy enough of dealing with or talking about, but a stranger's pain is. What is WRONG with me? I want to feel better but there is so much pain inside me that I don't know how to deal with or where to even start. I feel so lost and pathetic even talking about this.