Body

I am starting this blog because since I was 11 years old, I have had issues with food - thin or fat, starving myself or overeating, underweight or overweight, healthy or unhealthy, fit or unfit - I need a place to finally, and for once, vent all my feelings as I try once again to deal with this problem.

For the last several years I have had issues with binge eating...I use food as comfort. Comfort when I feel bad, lonely, tired, stressed, and also to reward myself in times of achievement, celebration, excitement, etc. In good mental health or bad mental health, it is a constant.

Food addiction is so unbearable because unlike other addictions like alcohol or drugs in which you abstain from the substance of addiction, you cannot abstain from food. As humans we need food to survive. You can't quit food.

I wake up the next day after a huge night-binge feeling guilty and disgusted. There is usually stomach problems in the morning as my body tries to rid itself of the vast amount of food I've consumed the night before. I not only feel gross physically, but mentally I am beating the shit out of myself as well. Day after day I tell myself I'm going to be good and eat healthy, and the next morning I'm feeling like shit again because I went on a bender with food. So I tell myself I'm not going to eat because one, my stomach is upset and two, I know as soon as I pop something in my mouth it could be the start of another binge. I don't even want to LOOK at food, but yet I know I eventually have to eat something to survive. It's such a vicious cycle, one I cannot seem to find my way out of after years of spinning in it.

Like most women, my body image affects my self image to a huge degree. When I'm thin, I feel good, but also terrified of getting fat again. I could lose control any minute. When I'm fat, I feel hopeless, guilty, out of control. I can't get rid of the bad feelings, thin or fat, although of course I'd prefer to be thin!

I had my second (and last) child 4 months ago and lost most of the baby weight immediately. Problem is, I was overweight even pre-baby so I'm still overweight even after losing the baby weight. For a few weeks now I've been trying to gear up to make a huge change in my life. I had a work party the other night and when I looked in the mirror, I knew it was finally time to put this in motion. I always feel I can hide my weight with certain clothes but this time, there's no hiding it. I'm bulging out everywhere and it's gross. I HAVE to do something, and NOW!!

I want to lose about 30 pounds, which would get me down to a healthy weight that I previously felt quite good and healthy at. I want to start exercising again at least 5 days a week.

Tomorrow is the starting day. To celebrate I ate a HUGE dinner, dessert, and just had some chips and dip, go figure. Isn't that what addicts do when they know they're going to rehab? I'm no different! Anyway, I will use this blog to detail my journey. I hope you enjoy.