Well, day 22. I'm 157.5 lbs today. I haven't been going overboard dieting but I haven't gone on a binge, so to say, for a few days. So that's a good thing. I hated writing my last blog but because I wrote it out, I dealt with some important stuff and that's also a good thing. Sometimes unless you write out or say out loud what you feel, you don't clarify it really, and that can be a problem. I decided that my emotions are worth something and that it's ok to feel them. This will be a huge process for me as I'm not used to wanting to deal with my emotions.
I haven't worked out at all since my last post. But I'm not beating myself up about it. Today I went and bought a pedometer to measure my steps every day, because they say an active person typically does 10,000 steps/day. Because my husband was home for the weekend, I decided to take advantage tonight and suddenly got up and said, "I'm going for a short walk in the cold," and left him with the kids. It was fabulous! It was so still and so cold and quiet outside walking through my neighbourhood. I loved hearing nothing but the snow crunching beneath my feet as I walked. I didn't walk too fast, it was simply for enjoyment and to clear my head. I was only gone maybe 15 minutes, but it was enough to clear my mind, get some fresh (frigid) air into my lungs, and pretty much freeze the skin on my face! It was great! I cannot wait until Jamie is home for good from this out of town site, so that I can do that every night if I need to.
I am still reading the 2nd book by Valerie Bertinelli and I really liked something she said. It was about how little time we have in life, and how much food we have around us. Do we really want to spend that little time we have feeling like shit from all the food we eat?
My wise friend who has lost 122 pounds suggested something else to tell myself instead of "I can't have that..." She said to tell myself that I'm "choosing not to have it right now." It may change my mindset to understand that I have the power over the food, not the other way around. Good advice. She also recommended a book by Bob Harper (from Biggest Loser) called Are you Ready. So I put it on hold at the library and should hopefully be able to pick it up Tuesday!
I also had my husband bring in my little eliptical machine that has been sitting outside in the garage for 1.5 years. I can't wait to get on it tonight while I watch Desperate Housewives. My friend had a great idea last week about getting on her exercise bike and pedalling alone during the show, but then going nuts during the commercials. Great idea! I'm going to try that tonight on my eliptical...it will keep it interesting!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Monday, January 4, 2010
Day 22
Well, I'm not sure why I even put day 22 as a heading. I haven't even been really trying at all. I've been good during the days but then at night, as usual, the food calls to me and it's louder than the voice in my head telling me no.
I am sick of me. I fucking hate myself. I feel like I'm never going to get better. There are times when I'm on top of the world doing so well and I feel like it's worth me to write about it. Then there are times like these, more often than not, that I have messed up so bad. That's when I don't want to write. Because I'm not good, I'm not strong, I'm fucked up, I'm embarassed, I'm a god damn disgrace.
I started crying lastnight after watching Desperate Housewives because one of the storylines was about a woman losing a baby/miscarrying. It made me think of my 2 babies I lost. And it made me realize I don't grieve things properly. I either lose it and sink into depression and have to up my meds and almost end up in the psych hospital, or I stifle it away and pretend it didn't happen, or that it was meant to be.
I reached out lastnight on Facebook about how sad I was about losing my babies, which I have never talked about extensively in the past. I woke up to an email from my husband concerned about the personal info I'm sharing with people on Facebook. He does have a point, but it hurt me. I'm so fucking angry today. At so much. And I've eaten every fucking thing I could get my hands on tonight and now I feel sick to my stomach.
So I start watching intervention and the drug addict is screaming at her family asking them to help her and it killed me. It made me realize why I watch these shows and watch the news and torture myself. Because I stifle my own pain so well that I have to feel other people's pain just to get it out. It's like my own pain isn't worthy enough of dealing with or talking about, but a stranger's pain is. What is WRONG with me? I want to feel better but there is so much pain inside me that I don't know how to deal with or where to even start. I feel so lost and pathetic even talking about this.
I am sick of me. I fucking hate myself. I feel like I'm never going to get better. There are times when I'm on top of the world doing so well and I feel like it's worth me to write about it. Then there are times like these, more often than not, that I have messed up so bad. That's when I don't want to write. Because I'm not good, I'm not strong, I'm fucked up, I'm embarassed, I'm a god damn disgrace.
I started crying lastnight after watching Desperate Housewives because one of the storylines was about a woman losing a baby/miscarrying. It made me think of my 2 babies I lost. And it made me realize I don't grieve things properly. I either lose it and sink into depression and have to up my meds and almost end up in the psych hospital, or I stifle it away and pretend it didn't happen, or that it was meant to be.
I reached out lastnight on Facebook about how sad I was about losing my babies, which I have never talked about extensively in the past. I woke up to an email from my husband concerned about the personal info I'm sharing with people on Facebook. He does have a point, but it hurt me. I'm so fucking angry today. At so much. And I've eaten every fucking thing I could get my hands on tonight and now I feel sick to my stomach.
So I start watching intervention and the drug addict is screaming at her family asking them to help her and it killed me. It made me realize why I watch these shows and watch the news and torture myself. Because I stifle my own pain so well that I have to feel other people's pain just to get it out. It's like my own pain isn't worthy enough of dealing with or talking about, but a stranger's pain is. What is WRONG with me? I want to feel better but there is so much pain inside me that I don't know how to deal with or where to even start. I feel so lost and pathetic even talking about this.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Day 17
Well, not doing too bad. My weight was at 158 yesterday, then 157 today. So I'm not as bad as I thought. I gained 3 pounds over the holidays so that's not so bad.
Anyway, have done great the last 2 days. Worked out both nights, very, very sore. Shoveled the driveway for about 40 minutes yesterday as well and was sweating up a storm!!
I went to get some groceries yesterday and seeing as how I'm tempted by pizza, I bought one from the PC Blue Menu. For 1/2 the pizza it's 12 gr fat and 460 cals. That's pretty good for dinner, especially if I eat a light lunch and have that for dinner. So, instead of being tempted by cooking the whole thing, I cut it in 1/2 frozen, then froze the other 1/2 for another night. Little changes, right??
I also just finished "Losing It" by Valerie Bertinelli and went today to get her next book, "Finding It." They are all about her lifelong battle with overreating and food. I really enjoyed the first and now hope to enjoy the second. I am starting it tonight.
Anyway, gotta run, not lots of time to write...
Anyway, have done great the last 2 days. Worked out both nights, very, very sore. Shoveled the driveway for about 40 minutes yesterday as well and was sweating up a storm!!
I went to get some groceries yesterday and seeing as how I'm tempted by pizza, I bought one from the PC Blue Menu. For 1/2 the pizza it's 12 gr fat and 460 cals. That's pretty good for dinner, especially if I eat a light lunch and have that for dinner. So, instead of being tempted by cooking the whole thing, I cut it in 1/2 frozen, then froze the other 1/2 for another night. Little changes, right??
I also just finished "Losing It" by Valerie Bertinelli and went today to get her next book, "Finding It." They are all about her lifelong battle with overreating and food. I really enjoyed the first and now hope to enjoy the second. I am starting it tonight.
Anyway, gotta run, not lots of time to write...
Monday, December 28, 2009
Day 15
Well, I didn't even bother weighing myself since the last post, Day 9. I have been a bad girl, but not incredibly bad. Just enough to not want to weigh myself. Yes, the holiday food was just too much to reject. It started Christmas Eve at my mom & dad's...mom had nothing but hors d'euvres (spelling?) and wow, it was all so good. Especially the sour kraut and cheese dip...oh my god, if food could give an orgasm, that would have been it. I had too much. I paid for it the next day with horrible diarrhea (sorry if that's gross).
Next day was Jamie's family dinner. I didn't do too bad at dinner, because I had stuffed my face with munchies beforehand that were also there. I remember thinking about what was going into my mouth but I just didn't care at that point. I was so hungry. I didn't do any self-talk before I went so it was a lost cause. I need to do the self talk way more, as it really does help me stay focused.
Next day was also a write-off, because we stupidly took home the leftover dish I had made - broccoli and cheese casserole. Talk about pure fat on a fork. And I ate it all day long. I'm so ashamed.
Got hammered on Saturday night with my hubby. Not feeling good at all on Sunday. But had yet another dinner to attend - it was his dad's birthday so we all got together for lasagna dinner. Again, I did fairly well at dinner, because I pigged out on chips and dip beforehand. I have to admit though that I barely had much to eat all day. I also had a piece of rubbarb pie for dessert. Let's just say by nighttime my mood was very bad, and knowing my hubby was going back to work out of town for several days started the old anxiety attacks. I had chest pains, heart palpitations and couldn't get to sleep until after 1:15am. Baby woke up at 4:45am and my eldest at 5:00am. Not fun. But I did great today with food. I am soooooooooo proud of myself.
I was so depressed because my friend was supposed to come over and spend the day and have supper. She is such a big help to me with my husband isn't home. She is GREAT with the kids and is wonderful company for me. She's like family. Well, the weather outside was FRIGHTFUL, and she has a cold, so she didn't come over. I felt so lonely. So I thought fuck it, and pulled a pizza out of the freezer for dinner. I was so intent on devouring it. Then I started to think, at least if I'm going to pig out, I have to at least read the nutrition label on the side. If I'm going to eat it, it's better to know what I'm eating. I read the label. It wasn't pretty. I decided to put it back in the freezer. Instead I ate 3 low fat chicken strips and steamed beats and sweet potato. I actually put it back. I stepped away from it. I couldn't believe it.
I also decided tonight that I'm always in a rush to put the kids to bed so I can workout before my shows start. It's not fair to the kids or me. I look forward to watching my shows to zone out after a long busy day. So because I love the Jillian Michael's DVD, I decided to go through it with pen and paper and write down the exact # of everything she does and all the exercises (now that I'm familiar with the workout). Now I can do it in front of my shows and work out while I watch TV, instead of feeling rushed to do the DVD before my shows. That way I have NO excuse.
Anyway, will be weighing myself tomorrow. Not looking forward to it but the blog is helping keep me accountable, so that's a good thing...cause even when I mess up I go back to being good because finally I feel I have to be true to this. Thanks Jen for all your support. I knew you'd be my biggest fan on this! lol
Next day was Jamie's family dinner. I didn't do too bad at dinner, because I had stuffed my face with munchies beforehand that were also there. I remember thinking about what was going into my mouth but I just didn't care at that point. I was so hungry. I didn't do any self-talk before I went so it was a lost cause. I need to do the self talk way more, as it really does help me stay focused.
Next day was also a write-off, because we stupidly took home the leftover dish I had made - broccoli and cheese casserole. Talk about pure fat on a fork. And I ate it all day long. I'm so ashamed.
Got hammered on Saturday night with my hubby. Not feeling good at all on Sunday. But had yet another dinner to attend - it was his dad's birthday so we all got together for lasagna dinner. Again, I did fairly well at dinner, because I pigged out on chips and dip beforehand. I have to admit though that I barely had much to eat all day. I also had a piece of rubbarb pie for dessert. Let's just say by nighttime my mood was very bad, and knowing my hubby was going back to work out of town for several days started the old anxiety attacks. I had chest pains, heart palpitations and couldn't get to sleep until after 1:15am. Baby woke up at 4:45am and my eldest at 5:00am. Not fun. But I did great today with food. I am soooooooooo proud of myself.
I was so depressed because my friend was supposed to come over and spend the day and have supper. She is such a big help to me with my husband isn't home. She is GREAT with the kids and is wonderful company for me. She's like family. Well, the weather outside was FRIGHTFUL, and she has a cold, so she didn't come over. I felt so lonely. So I thought fuck it, and pulled a pizza out of the freezer for dinner. I was so intent on devouring it. Then I started to think, at least if I'm going to pig out, I have to at least read the nutrition label on the side. If I'm going to eat it, it's better to know what I'm eating. I read the label. It wasn't pretty. I decided to put it back in the freezer. Instead I ate 3 low fat chicken strips and steamed beats and sweet potato. I actually put it back. I stepped away from it. I couldn't believe it.
I also decided tonight that I'm always in a rush to put the kids to bed so I can workout before my shows start. It's not fair to the kids or me. I look forward to watching my shows to zone out after a long busy day. So because I love the Jillian Michael's DVD, I decided to go through it with pen and paper and write down the exact # of everything she does and all the exercises (now that I'm familiar with the workout). Now I can do it in front of my shows and work out while I watch TV, instead of feeling rushed to do the DVD before my shows. That way I have NO excuse.
Anyway, will be weighing myself tomorrow. Not looking forward to it but the blog is helping keep me accountable, so that's a good thing...cause even when I mess up I go back to being good because finally I feel I have to be true to this. Thanks Jen for all your support. I knew you'd be my biggest fan on this! lol
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Day 9
First off, my lack of writing does not mean I messed up my weight loss pursuit! I am finding it hard to sign in on the weekends because it's Christmas and the party season is in full swing! I also have 2 little ones which makes it difficult as well.
I've also decided that many days I will not be able to input my calories and fat intake as sometimes I don't have time to calculate it until the very end of the day, or if I know I'm doing great that evening and within my cal & fat goals, then I'm not gonna go nuts trying to calculate everything. No, it does not mean I'm slacking!
In fact, I'm down 6 pounds!! I'm so excited. Yes, I know, the first few come off the easiest, but I'm still proud.
Not happy with my new Jane Fonda DVD and am sending it back. Love the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred DVD - it is so quick - 25 min max and OH MY GOD do you sweat!!!!!!!!!!!! It's non-stop because it's such a short workout. It's great for people like me who don't have a whole lotta time with 2 little ones.
Went to my Christmas party on Fri night and made a huge mistake. I drank my face off, and was so scared to go on an eating binge that I only had a very small plate of goodies, continued drinking and then puked my face off all night. What a drag. I was home by 9:00. Mom and my hubby had to help me and get me into bed and clean me up. How embarassing!
Then Sat night had another smaller friend gathering and because I knew that was coming I was very careful all day eating. Then I felt I could have a few goodies there as well. So I've been controlling it.
Went on a bit of a binge Sunday night but it was with fairly healthy stuff so I at least tried my best not to go crazy. Let's just say it's like I smoked pot instead of shooting heroin. Still not good, but got my fix with something not as devastating for my body. If that makes any sense at all. Or am I once again acting like a total addict?? Probably.
Anyway, gotta run. I've had a shower and am still sweating from my workout. Wow.
Weight: 156 lbs
Cals: 700
Fat: 18
Exercise: (30 day shred) 25 min.
I've also decided that many days I will not be able to input my calories and fat intake as sometimes I don't have time to calculate it until the very end of the day, or if I know I'm doing great that evening and within my cal & fat goals, then I'm not gonna go nuts trying to calculate everything. No, it does not mean I'm slacking!
In fact, I'm down 6 pounds!! I'm so excited. Yes, I know, the first few come off the easiest, but I'm still proud.
Not happy with my new Jane Fonda DVD and am sending it back. Love the Jillian Michael's 30 day shred DVD - it is so quick - 25 min max and OH MY GOD do you sweat!!!!!!!!!!!! It's non-stop because it's such a short workout. It's great for people like me who don't have a whole lotta time with 2 little ones.
Went to my Christmas party on Fri night and made a huge mistake. I drank my face off, and was so scared to go on an eating binge that I only had a very small plate of goodies, continued drinking and then puked my face off all night. What a drag. I was home by 9:00. Mom and my hubby had to help me and get me into bed and clean me up. How embarassing!
Then Sat night had another smaller friend gathering and because I knew that was coming I was very careful all day eating. Then I felt I could have a few goodies there as well. So I've been controlling it.
Went on a bit of a binge Sunday night but it was with fairly healthy stuff so I at least tried my best not to go crazy. Let's just say it's like I smoked pot instead of shooting heroin. Still not good, but got my fix with something not as devastating for my body. If that makes any sense at all. Or am I once again acting like a total addict?? Probably.
Anyway, gotta run. I've had a shower and am still sweating from my workout. Wow.
Weight: 156 lbs
Cals: 700
Fat: 18
Exercise: (30 day shred) 25 min.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Day 4
I messed up lastnight after I wrote. After my healthy snack of 2 rice cakes with cottage cheese, I saw 2 homemade cookies left that my mom's friend made and mom brought last time she was here. I thought about not eating them for a split second but then stuffed one in my mouth. After eating that one, I ate the other. I kept thinking 1) I've already blown it & 2) if i eat it then it's out of the house and no longer an issue or temptation. Arghhhh.....
Felt like crap afterwards, like a complete loser, like an addict. Whenever I watch these shows about druggies and relapses I always wonder why they didn't take a moment to think about their life before they relapsed. Now I get it. I had the first cookie in my mouth within a split second after I saw it. I'm no different than a druggie. It made me sad, but taught me not to be so judgmental about others.
I did well today with food, even after a brutal night with the boys up several times. I only got about 2 hours sleep. Finally the baby napped for a couple hours so I did too and that helped.
I just took 2 lorazepam so I could actually sleep tonight and I'm praying it doesn't start a binge. I'm also worried about tomorrow night - we are having our department Christmas "piss-up" and I know I'm getting shit faced, there's just no doubt, especially after having both kids by myself for 5 days in a row while my husband was out of town working. I'm worried I'll pig out and not be able to stop...but I can only deal with that when it comes.
No workout today. I'm just so freakin' tired and sore I can hardly function. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because the more I force myself to work out, the more I will resent it and then stop altogether. I have been obsessive about exercise in the past and I don't want it to get that way again. I want to be reasonable about it. I'm trying to set a goal of 4 times a week. I think that's a good, non-obsessive amount for someone with 2 small kids.
Anyway, starting to get tired and I need to go to bed soon.
Weight: 158 lbs
Calories: 1369
Fat Grams: 24
Felt like crap afterwards, like a complete loser, like an addict. Whenever I watch these shows about druggies and relapses I always wonder why they didn't take a moment to think about their life before they relapsed. Now I get it. I had the first cookie in my mouth within a split second after I saw it. I'm no different than a druggie. It made me sad, but taught me not to be so judgmental about others.
I did well today with food, even after a brutal night with the boys up several times. I only got about 2 hours sleep. Finally the baby napped for a couple hours so I did too and that helped.
I just took 2 lorazepam so I could actually sleep tonight and I'm praying it doesn't start a binge. I'm also worried about tomorrow night - we are having our department Christmas "piss-up" and I know I'm getting shit faced, there's just no doubt, especially after having both kids by myself for 5 days in a row while my husband was out of town working. I'm worried I'll pig out and not be able to stop...but I can only deal with that when it comes.
No workout today. I'm just so freakin' tired and sore I can hardly function. I'm not going to beat myself up about it because the more I force myself to work out, the more I will resent it and then stop altogether. I have been obsessive about exercise in the past and I don't want it to get that way again. I want to be reasonable about it. I'm trying to set a goal of 4 times a week. I think that's a good, non-obsessive amount for someone with 2 small kids.
Anyway, starting to get tired and I need to go to bed soon.
Weight: 158 lbs
Calories: 1369
Fat Grams: 24
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Day 3
Up all night with my eldest who is having terrible nightmares. I was so tired this morning. Thank God the baby slept until 6:15 (that's sleeping in in our house).
Dropped off the eldest to daycare then went to an appointment across town. Got home at 10am. Thank God the baby napped for a couple hours!! So did I.
Was having a real issue about what to have for dinner as my friend Karen was coming over. Normally I would put a pizza in the oven, have a huge ceasar salad and garlic bread, but that's no longer an option for me at this point. Even if I did limit myself and eat sensibly, there would be leftovers that I would binge on later that night, and it's just better if it's not in the house.
So, chicken breasts, boiled broccoli and a low-fat pasta "Sidedish" did the trick. It was quite yummy if I do say so myself.
Karen brought a small bottle of wine so I had 2 glasses but that's quite minimal compared to what I normally drink, so I didn't lose my motivation.
I also suprised myself by working out before she got there! I had the time so I thought, why not? I won't feel like it after she leaves and I would make excuses so I just put the baby in the jolly jumper beside me and turned on the DVD before I had time to think about it. Felt good, although I'm really sore today! It's nice to feel my muscles again!
I still have some calories to eat (as per my friend Vicki, I should not go under 1200 or my body will go into starvation mode and hoard all my fat) so I will have a nice snack before bed of rice cakes and maybe some low-fat cottage cheese. Hey - don't knock rice cakes til you try them! I'm lucky at least in the sense that I enjoy most foods, I'm not picky, so even if it's a rice cake, I'll like it! lol lol.
Weight: 158
Cals: (so far at 8:25pm) 900
Fat: 16gr
Workout: (Slim in 6) 27 min.
Dropped off the eldest to daycare then went to an appointment across town. Got home at 10am. Thank God the baby napped for a couple hours!! So did I.
Was having a real issue about what to have for dinner as my friend Karen was coming over. Normally I would put a pizza in the oven, have a huge ceasar salad and garlic bread, but that's no longer an option for me at this point. Even if I did limit myself and eat sensibly, there would be leftovers that I would binge on later that night, and it's just better if it's not in the house.
So, chicken breasts, boiled broccoli and a low-fat pasta "Sidedish" did the trick. It was quite yummy if I do say so myself.
Karen brought a small bottle of wine so I had 2 glasses but that's quite minimal compared to what I normally drink, so I didn't lose my motivation.
I also suprised myself by working out before she got there! I had the time so I thought, why not? I won't feel like it after she leaves and I would make excuses so I just put the baby in the jolly jumper beside me and turned on the DVD before I had time to think about it. Felt good, although I'm really sore today! It's nice to feel my muscles again!
I still have some calories to eat (as per my friend Vicki, I should not go under 1200 or my body will go into starvation mode and hoard all my fat) so I will have a nice snack before bed of rice cakes and maybe some low-fat cottage cheese. Hey - don't knock rice cakes til you try them! I'm lucky at least in the sense that I enjoy most foods, I'm not picky, so even if it's a rice cake, I'll like it! lol lol.
Weight: 158
Cals: (so far at 8:25pm) 900
Fat: 16gr
Workout: (Slim in 6) 27 min.
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