Well, I'm not sure why I even put day 22 as a heading. I haven't even been really trying at all. I've been good during the days but then at night, as usual, the food calls to me and it's louder than the voice in my head telling me no.
I am sick of me. I fucking hate myself. I feel like I'm never going to get better. There are times when I'm on top of the world doing so well and I feel like it's worth me to write about it. Then there are times like these, more often than not, that I have messed up so bad. That's when I don't want to write. Because I'm not good, I'm not strong, I'm fucked up, I'm embarassed, I'm a god damn disgrace.
I started crying lastnight after watching Desperate Housewives because one of the storylines was about a woman losing a baby/miscarrying. It made me think of my 2 babies I lost. And it made me realize I don't grieve things properly. I either lose it and sink into depression and have to up my meds and almost end up in the psych hospital, or I stifle it away and pretend it didn't happen, or that it was meant to be.
I reached out lastnight on Facebook about how sad I was about losing my babies, which I have never talked about extensively in the past. I woke up to an email from my husband concerned about the personal info I'm sharing with people on Facebook. He does have a point, but it hurt me. I'm so fucking angry today. At so much. And I've eaten every fucking thing I could get my hands on tonight and now I feel sick to my stomach.
So I start watching intervention and the drug addict is screaming at her family asking them to help her and it killed me. It made me realize why I watch these shows and watch the news and torture myself. Because I stifle my own pain so well that I have to feel other people's pain just to get it out. It's like my own pain isn't worthy enough of dealing with or talking about, but a stranger's pain is. What is WRONG with me? I want to feel better but there is so much pain inside me that I don't know how to deal with or where to even start. I feel so lost and pathetic even talking about this.
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Andrea,
ReplyDeleteYou are an inspiration.
You may not realize it, but I think of you and your blog when I don't want to exercise. I think of how brave you are and how, if you can go through so much, then SURELY I can get my fat ass on the treadmill and work out!
I try to tune in every day.
"See" ya tomorrow!
Love,
Kim XOXO
hey Andi,
ReplyDeleteyou know what, life sucks! most of the time. There are just those little glimmers of happiness that you can find in your kids and things you enjoy. old habits are hard to break and eating through emotions is an easy effective way to feel better (I know!!!) write down positive sayings to say to yourself (I did good yesterday and I will do good again tomorrow even if I bad today) or reasons you want to keep working out and eating healthy. be realistic. you WILL have days where you pig out. we ALL do. and you will have days where you are a diet rock star! you have been through a lot and regardless of what you put on fb you can see that you still hurt from your losses. contact someone to talk to about them. it is the only way to heal the hurt...and accept your pain. if you try to be pain free you won't succeed at the other things. again I know!!
you are an inspiration! yesterday is gone, the food from yesterday is gone and look at today. show those boys that YOU ARE STRONG!!!!!!!!!! I know the pain sucks but in this world NOBODY but you will make your life worthwhile. nobody can or will do that for you. it is up to you and you can do anything!!!!!!!!
xo
jen
Thanks so much both of you. Very great advice. Thanks xxoo
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